Pet Peeves
by Sally K Lehman
I have my few pet peeves that keep me company. They're tidy little pets - never leaving ugly surprises for me on the sofa or the hard wood floors. I never have to brush or bathe them. They rarely eat more than I can afford to feed them. The only real drawback of my little pet peeves is that they have a tendency to not only annoy the heck out of me while I'm awake, but they have the habit of keeping me up at night.
My oldest pet peeve is the one I call Chewing-with-your-mouth-open. My mother gave me this pet peeve when I was young, and I'm quite attached to it. So attached, in fact, that I've given it to my kids. They've nourished and cherished this peeve over the years in their own special ways.
Nearly as old as Chewing-with-your-mouth-open is Talking-with-your-mouth-full. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, the two are actually siblings from the same litter of peeves that my mother nursed into health in the '60s. My sisters each have a set of these sibling pets as well. It's a family thing.
When first living with my husband, I took in Brushing-your-teeth-with-warm-water. The funny thing about this peeve is that, unlike most pets which grow larger as the years pass, this pet has grown smaller over the years. And today, after over twenty years of marriage, this peeve is almost dead. We're planning a burial in the back yard early next Spring.
My sister lived with us for a while in the '90s. She brought her pet peeve, Bad-housekeeping-in-general, along with her. Unfortunately, my pet Any-housekeeping-in-general didn't get on very well with hers at first. But we worked things out between the two, and eventually were able to let them in the same rooms - provided they had separate sleeping spaces.
When my first daughter was born, we took in People-pronouncing-your-name-wrong. And right on the heels of that pet, we adopted People-spelling-your-name-wrong. Apparently, not everyone spells or says names the same way. I feel a little guilty that my husband and I gave those pet peeves to our daughter as she's reached adulthood, but we had little space for them at home while she's in college. And, to be honest, they really are her pets, not ours.
When my twins were born we got a whole new set of pet peeves. There was Yes-they-are-twins, No-we-didn't-use-fertility-drugs, Identical-twins-don't-run-in-families, and, my personal favorite, Identical-means-that-they-are-the-same-sex. Their older sister eventually found Yes-I-like-being-a-sister-to-twins, and we kept it as well. Of course, as the baby twins became teenage twins, most of those peeves have run away and taken up with new families. I can't honestly say I miss them.
My kids, generously, gave me People-talking-far-too-loudly when they became teenagers. And I believe that can credit Peter Jackson and the Lord of the Rings movies for People-thinking-the-movie-theater-is-their-living-room; maybe "credit" isn't the right word, maybe it should be "point the finger at." Maybe "blame." But I am getting the upper hand on this one - I recently asked some kids if they thought they were in their living room the last time I went to the movies. My daughters don't let me go to the movies with them anymore.
So which of these pet peeves keep me awake? It couldn't possibly be any of those listed so far, as they are, for the most part, little pets. The kind of pets that yip at your ankles rather than bark in the night. No, my most impressive pet peeves I've saved for last.
Over the last few years I've adopted Need-to-be-the-perfect-mother and How-can-kids-accept-failing-grades. Another big member of the family is my pet We-need-the-latest-clothing-even-if-it-doesn't-look-good-and-costs-too-much. These pet peeves play on my bed all night with the pet fears How-do-we-pay-the-bills-this-month and What-would-I-do-if-Bob-died (Bob being the aforementioned husband that brushes his teeth with warm water.) And all of their nonsense - their jumping, twirling chaos - plays havoc with my sleep many nights.
I imagine that everyone has their own share of these pet peeves. Mine can't be that different from yours. So I guess I'll just have to learn to sleep despite them. Or maybe take up jogging in the evenings to tire myself out.
copyright 2007 sally k lehman